HOLD ON, I'M NOT READY YET... You know, even when I disagree with them, I'd like to think that the people at the top at LEAST have some clue as to what the fuck they're talking about. Last week, in a speech before the International Institute of Strategic Studies in London, US National Security Adviser Cocoleezza Rice sadly showed me that such is not always the case. On Thursday, in response to calls from various world leaders for the United States to consider taking a more nuanced approach to their foreign policy around the globe, Cocoleezza lashed out like the amateur she has shown herself to be, time and time again. Specifically reacting to French President Jacques Chirac's conception of a "multipolar" world - with different geographical regions operating under a variety of political paradigms - she spewed: "Multipolarity was never a unifying idea or vision... it was a necessary evil that sustained the essence of war but did not promote peace. Multipolarity is a theory of rivalry, of competing interests and, at its very worst, of competing values. We tried it before... it led to the Great War, to the Second World War and to the Cold War. Why should we try to divide ourselves? Only the enemies of freedom would cheer these divisions." Of course, the truth of the matter is that the troubles in all the cases she cited involved entities seeking to SUBVERT multi-polarity by violently imposing their uni-polar will to power upon their neighbors. The difference between these historical subverters of global multi-polarity and the current crop in Washington is that, in the past, dictators held regional or - at worst - continental ambitions, whereas this administration seeks nothing less than total global hegemony, by any means necessary. It becomes chillingly clearer by the day just exactly what kind of monsters we're dealing with here. *** **** *** Here's a bit of good news for all you bong-sucking basement-dwellers out there. Researchers at the University of California in San Diego have determined that smoking marijuana does NOT cause any kind of long term brain damage. Of course, they would say that, being from San Diego and all. Unfortunately, the researchers couldn't say the same about eating fish-stick and chocolate cake sandwiches, playing Half-Life for 12 hours straight, or many other activities often engaged in by those who have recently partaken in the devil-weed. So most of you are still shit out of luck. If you've been avoiding politics lately - changing the subject whenever it comes up, switching channels when the news comes on, jumping paragraphs when you come across it in the Dirt - and now you're starting to feel that maybe it's time you started paying attention, but you're intimidated by the idea of playing catch-up, don't worry, because this latest editorial by Mark Morford does a great job of breaking down the last three years of American History and putting it back together in one tiny, hard-to-swallow, primal shriek of a pill. Read up, read up. The results of our first official Daily Dirt poll are in, and yer old pal Jerky is happy to report that he has been declared the favorite fat man of Daily Dirt readers, taking a stunning 62% of the vote! Take that, Santa, John Wayne Gacy and Buddha! Anyhoo, we got a NEW poll set up now. This week we're asking, if YOU were sentenced to death, which of the five currently-in-use execution methods would you prefer? Would you ride the lightning in an electric chair? Or maybe you'd prefer to be slowly suffocated by a thick fog of cyanide gas! Whatever your poison, head on over to www.dailydirt.com and register your opinion! The results will be finalized once we hit a thousand votes or a week goes by, whichever happens first. *** **** *** Last week, Daily Dirt reader Cronos_28 asked: "When does a blind man know he's finished wiping after taking dump?" Yer old pal Jerky, being a little slow that day, couldn't think of a proper answer to his query, nor did he have any blind friends to turn to for guidance in this vital issue. Fortunately, there were other Dirt readers who were ready, willing and able to step into the breach. Dirt readers like Hiker, who wrote: "They wipe with their fingers. After they wipe their assholes then they lick their fingers. After a while when it stop tasting like shit then know when to stop." And then there was Del, who took a stab at it: "I guess the blind man could just sniff the paper after each wipe," he wrote. Donnelly suggested that a blind person could ask a friend, roommate or neighbor to look at the paper on the third wipe, to determine whether or not a fourth - or more - was needed. And finally, we have Simon, who valiantly struggled against the rip-tide of his obviously crippling learning disability to write: "i have a hypothesis on how blind people know when they are done wiping their ass... they probably wipe away 2 or 3 times... then they could probably smell if there was anymore shit commin off onto the paper... you know since they have that enhanced smelling ablity. or maybe they say fuck you people i dont care if my ass smells like shit. IM FUCKIN BLIND, i got bigger problems" Thanks to all who helped solve this mystery! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! July 1 On this day in 1862, the United States Congress passes a law which makes polygamy (being married to more than one woman) a crime. Thankfully, screwing around behind your wife's back remains legal. On this day in 1867, the Dominion of Canada is formed from the provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Ontario and Quebec. So wash down a bacon sandwich and a plate of poutine with a bottle of Moosehead. Or don't. It's entirely up to you. On this day in 1899, the Gideon Society is established with the stated goal of getting a bunch of crazy Christian folks to sneak a copy of the Holy Frickin' Bible into every hotel room in the land, in the hopes that doing so will guarantee their ascent into heaven after they die… the poor, deluded fools. On this day in 1971, after decades of payments on the installment plan, San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge is finally and officially all paid off! And yet, you still have to pay a toll to cross it. Where is the outrage, I ask you? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE!?! On this day in 1987, President Ronald Reagan nominates right-wing extremist Robert Bork for the Supreme Court of the land. Thank Godzilla the Democratic-controlled Senate had the good sense to reject this bug-eyed reactionary freak, even though it gave the Republicans another reason to whine like the stuck pigs that they are, and turned his last name into a verb. "Bork! Bork! Bork!" On this day in 1997, England hands Hong Kong over to the communist Chinese, on a date which had been agreed to decades before. And yet it still kinda felt like a military loss.

THEY SAID IT! "Most of us whose bylines appear in the American media should be embarrassed to look our readers, viewers and listeners in the eye. We are being held up for ridicule by real journalists, such as Webb, from nations that once looked upon us as the epitome of truth and integrity. The ridicule is richly deserved." - In his most recent editorial for the Knoxville News, op-ed columnist Dave Hunter asks the question: Are U.S. Journalists Truly Spineless? *** *** *** "I'm not a preacher, and I'm not a pastor, but I really feel my career was leading me to make this. The Holy Ghost was working through me on this film, and I was just directing traffic. I hope the film has the power to evangelize. ... Everyone who worked on this movie was changed. There were agnostics and Muslims on set converting to Christianity." - Thespian/auteur Mad Mel Gibson - who literally considers himself to be more Catholic than the Pope - chats up his personally-financed, 25 million dollar epic about the final day in the life of Jesus Christ. The flick - which Gibson filmed entirely in the ancient language of Aramaic in a perverse bid to make it even more impossible to secure distribution - has kicked up a shit-storm of controversy, with various Jewish groups claiming it will revive nearly defunct negative stereotypes.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Andy S... An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Somma day you goina coma home and maybe finda your wife in bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, TIME'S UP?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal WSG for sending in today's second joke. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Rob Boyes really went all-out with this shitty joke. Two Italian friends are talking to each other one evening . Roberto says "tell me Gino , in all honesty , what do you think of a woman with a growth of black hair under her nose ? " Geno replies "shit no , I would never be turned on by a woman like that " Roberto says " O.K. , so tell me ,"what about a woman with big black hairs growing under her arms ? " Geno says " For shits sake what are you talking about ?, I couldn't even get it up with a woman like that " Roberto says "O.K. but let me ask you another question , what about a woman with long black hairs growing on her legs , never shaves her legs?" Geno replies " shit man give me a break , I would never get into bed with a woman like that " Roberto says "O.K. so answer me one last question , if all you say is true , why the hell are you FUCKING my wife !!! ? " .

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Concerning whom it may; It wanted have the gentility to say me as I can see all free pics of the month of April and May of 2003. Thanks for its attention and desire that always continue being the best ones of the Web. Waiting for an affirmative answer to my request I take leave kindly of you. Signed: Edgar Silva Dear Edgar; Having sorry to be responses although richly deserved may that be, answering as I must in the non-affirmative hurts badly, but help nonplussed. Chicken trolly bottle baby concrete meat machine. *** ***** *** Dear Jerky; Thanks for answering what USG stood for. Now I want to know what a 'cabal' is. Sincerely: Brains4u2c Dear Brains4me2poopon; Next time, instead of e-mailing an internet pornography-peddler to get the definition of a common English word, why don't you give www.dictionary.com a try? I guarantee you the turn-around will be a helluva lot faster and less grumpy than that offered by yer old pal Jerky of the Daily Dirt. *** ***** *** Hey Jerky, Just some thoughts is there really any difference between Dems’ and Reps’ – I mean aren’t they all just a bunch of power hungry anal munchers? who figure that if you mix enough of the truth in to make edible the sheep (us) will eat any thing? And being sheep if we don’t eat the shit they will just shave and fuck in the ass, then turn us in to mutton chops for the masses to feast on? Well thanks for the ears Baah Baah Baah. Signed: LIZARD SHAMAN N. Dear Liz; If you'd been paying attention to what's been happening over the last three years (six years? thirty years?), you wouldn't have to ask such a question. The difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is like the difference between flat pop and piss, between the sniffles and SARS, between incompetence, silliness and the occasional moment of lucid competence, and pure, unadulterated, death-and-greed-driven EVIL (pronounced EVE-ILL). I mean, read a fucking newspaper for fuck's sake!!!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: IT'S GETTIN' HOT ROUND HERE! Care of: SRJ Right on brother. You speak it like it is. You may end up with a brand new pair of concrete shoes one of these days [WHAT?! - Jerky] but hallaluah!!! Another one for the right!!! It is TIME that those of us with hemp for brains got up and said this sucks!!! These colors do run... all over the TVs and schools and homes and minds and cultures of the our world. They run and eventually you know what color you get? Grey. Bland, boring... just another brick in the wall. Why dont people look at the way Billy the Bush came into office... and the legacy that created it? He has sold most of America on the idea that we somehow have the right to Americanize the freakin world, because somehow we are better, neener neener!!! Weither Bush or Saddam, its all the same. There is an agenda... oil, power, world domination. I am not as well versed in the political in and outs as some. I dont stay on top of every breaking news story... but I know enough to see between the lines and know that what is going on is not right. I know enough to know who to be scared of, and its not an Arab. If I may be so bold... My message to you and your readers: Be at peace with your soul. The tides are shifting, both literally and physically. Take these moments of quiet and enjoy your family and friends and get to know what love really is. Be thankful for what you have, not bitter about what you dont. Be nice to each other!!! When the end comes its not going to matter if your a muslim or a christian or what nation you come from, or even if you like it up the ass. It all comes down to the individual, 1, YOU!!! Your truth and your experience, and as corny as it may sound, your heart. IT'S GETTIN HOT ROUND HERE!!! SRJ [Words of wisdom, SRJ. Words -- of -- wisdom. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com