EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN What do you get when you distill all the day's most relevant news into an easy-to-digest quick information fix? If you've been smoking a lot of weed and you have an unwholesome penchant for coining acronymous neologisms, you get... THE DAILY DIRT "QUINFIX!" News that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had suffered a massive cranial hemorrhage on the operating table brought swift response from religious fundamentalists all across the globe. In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmablahblahblah could barely conceal his glee as he regaled a gathering of mullahs with lurid fantasies about the infidel's imminent torments in the fiery pits of Hell. Meanwhile, Stateside, American televangelist Pat Robertson suggested that Sharon's medical crisis had less to do with the PM being a three hundred pound septuagenarian than it did with God being angry at his recent territorial concessions and pragmatic shift to a more moderate stance. Oddly enough, it turns out both these guys are late to the party, as ultra-Orthodox rabbi Ovadia Yosef had already cast an ancient, Aramaic "death curse" on Sharon in March of 2005, over his plans to withdraw from the Gaza Strip. Strange, isn't it, how fundamentalists only ever agree with each other when they're at their absolute worst? On a related topic, philosophically-oriented website Edge.org recently polled a number of prominent public intellectuals on the subject of their "most dangerous" ideas. Sam Harris, author of The End of Faith, gave an interesting, if somewhat predictable, answer: Science Must Destroy Religion. As for yer old pal Jerky, his most dangerous idea can't be printed in this space. Suffice it to say that it involves a giant glass-walled swimming pool, a miniature submarine, an elaborate pulley system, 666 Catholic school girls who've been trained in the art of static apnea, and a 50 megaton nuclear device hardwired to my testicles and set to detonate once they've been drained of all contents. But I've revelaed too much already. Let' move on. In yet another indication that the world is under attack by trans-dimensional tricksters who are using their ability to manipulate the space/time continuum to plunge us all back to the pre-Watergate Nixon era, 65-year old Jerry Texiero was arrested on charges of desertion for failing to show up for duty in Vietnam… over 40 years ago. Texiero's attorneys are currently working on an ambitious plan for his defense. It involves getting former President George Herbert Walker Bush to adopt their client, so that he might use his political clout to pull some strings and make it seem as though Texiero had been honorably discharged after completing two tours of duty with heroism and distinction. Somebody working in Walmart's online division is either reading way too much subtext into the Planet of the Apes movies, or else is just a racist prick who figured his (or her) little "in joke" at the expense of Dorothy Daindridge, Martin Luther King and Jack Johnson would never be spotted. Yer old pal Jerky suspects the latter is a more likely explanation. *** **** *** FULL CIRCLE-JERK The JFK conspiracy industry has lapped itself at last with the release of German filmmaker Wilfried Huismann's latest documentary, Rendezvous with Death. In the film, allegedly based on fresh evidence from Cuban, Russian and US sources, Huismann alleges that the dark hand behind that pivotal moment in American post-war history was none other than -- stop me if you've heard this one before -- Fidel Castro's Cuba! Apparently, the Cubans wanted Kennedy dead because he was a staunch opponent of 'la revolucion' and allegedly approved CIA plots to attack Castro with exploding seashells and cigars chemically treated to make his beard fall out. Furthermore, the Soviets were in on it too, as they were the ones who recommended Lee Harvey Oswald as trigger-man. Adding heft to Huismann's thesis is former political heavyweight Alexander Haig, who claims that LBJ "went to his grave" believing Cuba was behind Kennedy's death, but hushed it up over worries that the information would trigger a "right-wing backlash" that would keep the Democrats out of office for generations to come. Huismann's theory raises a number of questions. Firstly; why would Oswald -- supposedly recommended by the Soviets because he was a devoted communist and Cuban sympathizer who hated Kennedy with a passion -- require payment for his services, as Huismann alleges? Secondly; why would LBJ assume that the assassination by communists of a vigorously anti-communist Democratic President lead to the Democrats' downfall, and why did Haig -- a very public figure over the years, to say the least -- wait more than four decades to reveal this seemingly vital information? And finally, why do the last ten minutes of Huismann's film consist of a spiral slowly spinning as a disembodied voice repeatedly intones the words "Move along… nothing to see here" on the soundtrack? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 5 On this day in 1757, France's King Louis XV is rushed by a crazed attacker who stabs him, inflicting a minor flesh wound. The assailant, Robert-François Damiens, was restrained at the scene. As punishment for his attempt at regicide, Damiens' flesh was ripped with red-hot pincers, and sulphur, molten wax, lead, and boiling oil were poured into his wounds. He was then drawn and quartered, which involves tying both arms and legs to four different horses who pull apart the victim's body. Unfortunately for the horses, Damiens was particularly resilient, and soldiers had to hack at his joints with axes. That did the trick, and as the crowd cheered, Damiens' still breathing trunk and head were burnt on a pyre. After his death, they burned down his house, forced his brothers and sisters to change their names, and banished his father, wife, and daughter from France. In related news, failed Reagan assassin John Hinckley Jr. is being allowed home for unsupervised, overnight visits with his folks. We've come a long way, baby!

THEY SAID IT! "I have unwittingly helped to invent and refine a type of music that makes its principal components deaf." - There goes Pete Townsend, bragging again. *** **** *** "Your dad didn't suffer." - Trapped a mile underground, choking to death on poison gas in complete, abyssal darkness... and their last act in life is to write notes to try and ease their families' inevitable grief. It tells you everything you need to know about what kind of men they were, these invisible heroes of the sacrificial class.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Nan or Ben! Some aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges are attending their first class and the professor is lecturing on emotional extremes. "Just as an example," says the professor to one student from a major urban university. "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," says the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asks of a young lady from an Ivy League college. "Elation," says she. "And you sir," he says to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?" The aggie replies, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal RASTY for sending in today's second joke. An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, pride and superiority. The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too." They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee simply replied: "The one I feed." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Trembly Dale. A policeman was interviewing 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. As a test he shows the first blonde a picture of a man in profile for 5 seconds and then asks: "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy. He only has one eye!" He then goes to the second blonde and flashes the picture for 5 seconds asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" “That’s easy. He only has one ear!" He then shows the picture to the third blonde and asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "think hard before giving me an answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." Stunned the policeman says, “You’re right, the suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy. He couldn’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: TWO WEEKS A YEAR, MY ASS! care of: CT So, I was just watching tv, and an ad came on for the Army Reserve. It was the usual clap-trap about "one weekend a month, two weeks a year" and all that. But what caught my eye, was the imagery. It was scene after scene of fatigue and kevlar wearing soldiers standing, directing traffic, and performing manuvers in urban, obviously American city settings. Am I the only one vaguely disconcerted over the not-so-subtle imagery of uniformed soldiers occupying US soil? What made the commectial even more disturbing was the fact that scenes seemed to be showing no particular emergency. You know how the Red Cross shows scenes depicting their volunteers helping out in places obviously devestated by storms or fires? Well, all these scenes showed sunny days and smiling troops. I ask you: under what situation would we need a smiling Army Reservist directing traffic in a downtown metropolitan area? I can think of one, and it rhymes with "Barshall Shaw." - CT [Barshall Shaw? I know that guy! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ, Happy Holidays and all that good shit, belated. Here's a question for you, since I do not know any Republicans and I'm sure you have within your circle of friends at least a handful of said beasts, tell me... are they still holding steadfast in their beliefs that the Republican Party is just in it's agenda? Or have they been abandoning ship? It'll be interesting to hear what Dennis Miller has to say on his HBO special in a couple weeks as to whether he's been disillusioned by the entire party or will he just point fingers and fire bullets at the accused within the party while maintaining the agenda is sound. I'm betting on the latter. But what's your opinion, Jerkman? Do you think folks are slowly catching on or what? YOP Gessier [It's a mixed bag. I'll be watching the Miller with great interest. - Jerky] *** **** *** Heya Jerky, Didja get a look at this? Texas officials kidnapped a kid diagnosed with cancer, just cause her parents didn't go along with "doctors' orders"! I mean, holy shit! Thanks a buttload for all, once again. Ditto what your admirer Steve said. From rainy Athens, Greece, Vicky D [I dunno, Vick. Her parents' blog seems like a running infomercial for quackish "alternative" cancer cures. Children are not their parents' property, and I think there's more to this story than first meets the eye. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Have you ever taken an "Upper Decker"? You know, when you shit in the top of the toilet. How many of your readers do you think have taken "Upper Deckers" percentage wise? later, The Dalhi Bobba [Personally, I never shit in the tank. But studies show that 13.297% of Dirt readers do, on occasion. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, If Dubya is spying on people with "links to terrorism", and "illegal drugs support terrorism", and I am a member of The Drug Policy Alliance, which supports drug policy reform, does that mean Dubya is spying on me? How could I find out? M [Have you tried calling the White House to ask? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Einstein wasn't that fucking smart. "I before E except after C." Hell, he got it wrong twice in his own name! J.C. Rich [Not to mention that hairdo! What a fucking idiot. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, There is a fraternal society for meteorologists called "The Knights of Cumulus". Aram [No there isn't. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, So it only took 3 years but Dubbya finally admitted the evidence that took us into Iraq was "faulty". OK, he glanced over the fact he ignored any evidence that said we shouldnt invade. According to the talking point spewers (they are not pundints-the dictionary definition uses the word learned) thats to appease critics. Hey, how long before he starts to admit he has borrowed way to much money from China? Or How long before he admits he has given way to many tax breaks to his corprate buddies? Or How long before he admits he allowed way to many jobs shipped overseas, and gave tax breaks to companies doing so? How long before he admits he has yet to create 1 net job? How long before he admits the deficit he has created is going to make a responsible president a lame duck? How long before he admits he is, overall, the absoloute worst person alive, considering Idi Amin just died? PRICK! Later, The Dalhi Bobba [How long can you hold your breath? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com